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Young Writers Society



Why Ch. 14

by Black Ghost


Daniel Shandor was sitting at his large wooden desk, papers scattered about. He was slowly drumming his fingers on the hard surface, thinking. He glanced at the FBI logo on the desk, and looked as if he was smelling something rotten.

Daniel hated his job.

Then his office door slowly creaked open. Coming in was his assistant, Sam. Sam awkwardly stood in front of Daniel’s desk, twitching slightly.

“What is it, Sam? I have some papers to fill out right now. You can come in to chat later on,” said Daniel, not looking up.

“Um, sir, I’m not here to chat this time,” replied Sam, “I actually think we have something here.”

Daniel lifted his head to look at Sam.

“What do you mean ‘We have something’?” said Daniel, “something what?”

“An investigation.”

Daniel stood up from his chair and gave Sam a cold stare.

“You better not be playing a joke on me, Sam. We haven’t had an investigation in this branch since it was founded. What makes you think we have something to investigate now?” said Daniel.

“Sir, I assure you I am not joking at all. I’m as surprised as you are. But this morning I received a video from a grocery store owner,” said Sam.

“For what reason?” asked Daniel.

“The letter attached said that he witnessed something unexplainable on the tape, and called the authorities. Somehow they directed him to our special cases branch,” replied Sam.

“Well, did you watch the tape, Sam?” said Daniel.

“Actually….no, I just got it,” replied Sam.

“Well, then, let’s see what’s on this video,” said Daniel, “Maybe we have our first case.” Daniel didn’t really believe that this tape was worth investigating, but at least he had something to do for the time being; that is, other than paper work for the other branches in the FBI; that is, the ones who were constantly investagating.

“Absolutely, sir,” said Sam, walking over to the plasma screen on the wall. He pressed a white button that opened a video slot. He put the tape in and waited. Daniel got comfortable in his chair while Sam preferred to stand.

They both watched as the screen came to life. The grainy picture taken by the security camera showed a large man holding on to small boy at gunpoint.

“Hmm, a robbery,” said Daniel, leaning forward, “But this should already have been taken care of by the local police.”

“I’m sure it has,” said Sam, “The note didn’t say anything about a robbery, it only said that something unexplainable was seen.”

The robber then was seen talking to the store owner, and after a few moments they walked into the next room, out of sight.

But in the corner of the camera’s eye, someone could be seen on the wall. Daniel guessed he was a hostage. Then the person started moving slowly until he came into view, and Daniel saw that it was a teenage boy. The boy made for a cell phone under a desk and dialed.

Daniel and Sam watched as he conversed with someone briefly on the phone, and then as he turned was kicked in the face by the robber, still holding the small boy.

“I don’t see anything unexplainable yet, Sam,” said Daniel, knowing there would be nothing.

“It’s not over yet, sir,” said Sam, hopeful. He was just as depressed at this job as Daniel was, and desperately wanted a case to pursue.

Then the robber, having effectively smashed the boy’s face in, stood in the center of the camera’s view with his hand on the trigger, the gun firmly pressed into the younger boy’s head.

He pulled it.

Daniel’s eyes almost jumped out of their sockets at what he saw next.

Although the gun was pressed into the boy’s temple, the bullet wound appeared in the robber’s head.

Daniel hit pause.

"What the hell is this?" he shouted, unbelieving.

"I don't know, Daniel," said Sam, staring at the screen with wide eyes.

"This can't be real," said Daniel, staring at the frozen image, "The gun wasn't anywhere near the robber's head. Where did the bullet wound come from? Why didn't the younger boy get a wound?" Damiel leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples.

"Well, what should we do, Daniel?" asked Sam, still staring at the screen.

Daniel groaned.

"Just get this out of my sight, Sam. I don't have time for this kind of crap," said Daniel.

"But Dan, why would someone go to all the trouble of making a fake video and sending it to the FBI?" asked Sam, "What would they have to gain from that?"

Daniel sat back up in his chair.

"So what are you trying to say, Sam?" said Daniel, "That we turn this into a case?"

"All I'm saying is we should at least look at the tape one more time," replied Sam. He went over to Daniel's desk and picked up the remote control.

"What do you expect to find?" asked Daniel.

"I don't know," said Sam, "But maybe we can catch something if we slow this down." Sam then rewinded the tape back to right before the gunman pulled the trigger. Then he hit the frame by frame button on the remote.

Reluctantly Daniel watched each frame of the video pass by. Then it arrived at pulling of the trigger. The first frame showed the gunman's finger pulling down the trigger. Then three frames later both Daniel and Sam witnessed something unbelieavable.

The younger's boy's head exploded into a million particles. The bullet could be seen passing through the air where the boy's head used to be. Then something stranger happened. The bullet seemed to be richoceting off the particles suspended in the air.

Daniel could not take his eyes off the screen. Slowly but surely by each frame, the bullet continued to bounce off more and more particles, climbing its way to the robber's craniums. Then it reached the top, and was abruptly redirected into the gunman's temple.

Then the particles shot back together, and the boy was completely unharmed. The robber's hold became loose, and he fell backwards as the boy slumped on to the floor. The screen went black.

Both Daniel and Sam could not look away from the monitor for several moments. Then finally, one of them spoke.

"Sam," said Daniel, "I think we have an investigation on our hands."


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Sat Apr 29, 2006 7:56 pm
zell says...



Loving it magicman :thumb: theres nothing wrong with it at all seriously.




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Sat Apr 29, 2006 6:38 pm
Black Ghost says...



OK, I'll get on that right away.




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Sat Apr 29, 2006 5:38 pm
timjim77 wrote a review...



Hey, it's me again. Once again your strength/weakness is showing and telling. When you show, you shine. When you tell, you fell. Stupid rhyme, sorry.

"Daniel Shandor was sitting at his large wooden desk, papers scattered about. He was slowly drumming his fingers on the hard surface, thinking. He was part of a special branch of the FBI that was only concerned with anything unusual or supernatural. Almost no one has ever heard of this branch. But it wasn't because they were top secret."

The first two lines rock. After that, you start telling us stuff, and it is not only a porr choice, it becomes confusing. There's no need to jump into the fact that people don't know about this branch right now. If he works for the FBI you could say something like, "He stared at the FBI logo pinned on his lapel." Kinda corny, but better than "He was part of a special branch of the FBI that was only concerned with anything unusual or supernatural."




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Sat Apr 29, 2006 3:29 pm
Black Ghost says...



Ok, i fixed that about everything happening in secret and stuff. Also the paperwork they fill out is from other branches, which i wrote in.

And you were right about Joe freaking out when he found Max unconsious. If he had time to think things through he would have noticed that Max had no head injury of any kind. But since he started freaking out he had a lack of judgement and assumed he had hurt Max with his ball.

Thanks for the tips

-Tony




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Sat Apr 29, 2006 6:32 am
dele24 wrote a review...



I like it :) :D

I missed out on everything before chapter 13 so I had to go back and find all your chapters from the start, and I have to say I enjoyed it very much. it's easy to get into, easy to read and very interesting.

I just have two statements off the top of my head:

1) If Joes ball did hit Max, as Joe thinks it did, hard ebough to knock Max out then you would expect to see a bruise or something likely on his head. So I'm assuming that Joe just got panicked finding max there unconciousand didn't reason this through.

2) You say in chapter 14:

Almost no one has ever heard of this branch because all their investigations happened in secret.

and also that
There was never anything for his department to really do since there never were any unusual things happening. Daniel was reduced to filling out paperwork from time to time.


So if it is their first case, what paperwork do they have to fill out and what investiagations have happened in secret? Has there been hoaxes that they have discovered, or have they been helping out some other branch of FBI or something?

On the whole I really like it. Keep Posting :)

BTW your signature is real cool :lol:




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277 Reviews


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Sat Apr 29, 2006 12:48 am
Black Ghost says...



Okay, everyone, be BRUTALLY honest with me.....is this headed in a good direction or do you hate it?





"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi